Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
