if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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