I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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