Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
