I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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