dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
