I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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