I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
