i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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