Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
