There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
