she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
