FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
