bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
