she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
