turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just high enough for therapy.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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