Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
