Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
