yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
