just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
