I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
