My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
