I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
