My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You left your phone here
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