i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
