When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
