I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
