today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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