i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
just tell him i said nine months
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
