i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
