I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
