if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
