Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
