last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
