P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
