I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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