upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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