billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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