wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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