I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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