I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My life is pants optional.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
