You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
