I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
