I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
