once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
