I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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