when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it