I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
