You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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