Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
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hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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