fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
