Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Too much gin, very little bucket
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
