i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
