I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
