two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
