so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just puked most of my soul out..
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
