Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
