so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
