Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
