census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize